Tuesday, 17 July 2012

LEFT



10:41 a.m. Tuesday

Left eye – double vision constantly now. Heather is going to find me an eye patch. Black, piratey- might as well have some fun! Steroids are at 8 mg a day now – not that I notice much different. About a week and a half a go my speech started to slur. Now I have paralysis on the left of my face. The Dave speculates (on the phone) that the cancer is moving into the nerves in my jaw. So. It’s getting quicker and Dave thinks I should see him (Friday) and have a visit from a couple people from the palliative unit . Tick tock.  

You found a way to get here to see me – found the money, raised it, made time to get away and truly you want to see me. I know.

I will likely not resemble your memory of me and I spend hours a day living in the place (as Robbie Robertson wrote) where a radio is tuned to static. I watch from a distance as the Carnival parade passes by – with absolutely no desire to take part. It’s peaceful here. All that I used to build the character in my life movie – looks, skills, abilities, flaws, personality traits – all of those have turned out not to be me. All so much flickering light and shadow, all illusion.

I used to catch a glimpse of this. Now it’s just plain obvious.

8 comments:

VanBeads said...

This entry made me cry, Linda. Of course, you're still YOU. You are more than just the sum of your neurons and your cells and your brain. There's a spirit in you, too, don't ever forget that. *hugs*

Carol Dean Sharpe said...

no words.

Kristen said...

All I can do is send love!

Anonymous said...

I love you.

Cate

Cynthia Newcomer Daniel said...

(o)

Roberta said...

I was hoping that you would never get to this part. You are so brave to keep writing and keep the telling. Most of us would not.

I wish that you would not have to suffer. That is the hardest part for me to read. I can't help but cry.

You are an amazing person.

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and light. I took care of my mom for 10 months and watched her slowly leave me on her journey to a better place. I made her promise me when she came back to pick a better life she thought I was crazy but she promised me, so I hold comfort in that. You are a loving beautiful woman and when you come back please promise me you will pick a really good life full of love and happiness, you deserve this Lina!

Ruth Jensen said...

Sounds like you are almost ready to take flight, my friend, leaving us behind in tears. You are not an illusion; thank you for sharing your beautiful self with us so freely.