Tuesday, 17 July 2012
10:41 a.m. Tuesday
Left eye – double vision constantly now. Heather is going to find me an eye patch. Black, piratey- might as well have some fun! Steroids are at 8 mg a day now – not that I notice much different. About a week and a half a go my speech started to slur. Now I have paralysis on the left of my face. The Dave speculates (on the phone) that the cancer is moving into the nerves in my jaw. So. It’s getting quicker and Dave thinks I should see him (Friday) and have a visit from a couple people from the palliative unit . Tick tock.
You found a way to get here to see me – found the money, raised it, made time to get away and truly you want to see me. I know.
I will likely not resemble your memory of me and I spend hours a day living in the place (as Robbie Robertson wrote) where a radio is tuned to static. I watch from a distance as the Carnival parade passes by – with absolutely no desire to take part. It’s peaceful here. All that I used to build the character in my life movie – looks, skills, abilities, flaws, personality traits – all of those have turned out not to be me. All so much flickering light and shadow, all illusion.
I used to catch a glimpse of this. Now it’s just plain obvious.