Wednesday, 21 September 2011
OF CATS AND QUONSETS
For the first time in a week, no dreams waking me with a sense of cold dread. Thank you. I'll take it.
Two more days of steroids. I have a short stretch to start burning off chemicals, dyes, pills etc. My skin looks like parchment paper...dry as a riverbed. I burst into tears sometimes and it's impossible to tell when it will happen, for how long. I can't know the recipe...drugs? Emotional shock? Physical shock? Some cocktail of all of that?
It's good to be home. Friends have cleaned my place. The fridge has been emptied and restocked. The day I come home, it's summer-mild. A glorious sun is shining. My ceiling high plant is waving it's branches in the open window. Happiness seems inevitable.
I keep looking for Cat. Just out of my peripheral vision - and often. I feel his absence and never knew how often I checked to see where he was or passed a hand over this fur when he was sleeping. Late yesterday, I suddenly feel shaky and call C. I want to say I feel lost. That I miss my cat. I don't mean to cry but I do - and C., who is generally the soul of calm kindness vows to go get him right away and "anybody who doesn't like it can kiss my ass."
But no. I'll wait a little. There might be surgery yet - and another time away. I can't yank him around like he's a teddy bear. And besides, Jan tells me he loves his big picture window. And he comes out to rub on people's legs and purr. He flops down, belly up, to flirt. And they all like him. That's most important of all things for me - that he's with people who like him.
Today, I'll be getting a short haircut. Six months ago, that would have felt like a trauma right up there in the house-burning-down category. Now it's hair...more ballast to jettison. I look around this place that's been my home for a long time...and it's full of stuff. I've hated the amount of stuff for a long time - but now it looks pretty to me...comforting and cozy. But still too much. At some point, I want to hold a craft party and invite everyone I know (or friends know) who would love to take home extra beads, prefelt yardage, yarn, clothing & what-have-you. Feng shui clearing and party all at once, I think. I need to be travelling light.
My friends show me that all I want to carry right now, I can carry in my heart.