Tuesday, 9 August 2011
MEMO FROM THE CAT
1. Do not drop things, make loud noises, look at me or turn on the blender when I am eating. God. Do I actually have to tell you this?
2. Do not vacuum or otherwise scare me by brandishing mops & brooms in a threatening manner.
3. When I park against your leg or chew on your earrings, you may express gratitude for my presence.
4. Stop forgetting to clean my litter box or I will poop over the edge of the box.
5. Stop trying to get me to eat the Vet food. It tastes like shit.
6. Scratch my HEAD, you idiot.
7. Stay on your own side of the bed.
8. Do not cough or sneeze. It startles me.
9. Stop going out. I don’t like it.
10. Remember, I follow you in front of your feet. I always do, so why are you surprised when you trip over me?
11. When I stand by the balcony door, get the hell up and open it.
12. 5:00 a.m. is the perfect time to feed me. Don’t make me take running leaps at you to wake you up.
13. I don’t like fur balls anymore than you do. Clean them up without the grumbling.
14. What’s yours is mine. It doesn’t work in reverse.
15. Houseplants and cut flowers will be nibbled. Why else would you have them?
16. When you flush the toilet, have the courtesy to get out of the way so that I can watch the water swirl.
17. When the fire alarm goes off, do NOT scoop me up and try to remove me from my home. It isn’t safe and I will hurt you.
18. All closets are mine. Never shut the door to one without knowing whether I am inside.
19. If I fall asleep on you, do not move. Ever.
20. I love you. But it’s a mood thing, so don’t push it.